First of all, why is it so hard for me to fall asleep at night?  I do everything I’m supposed to do and then some.

I exercise. I don’t eat late.  I don’t eat chocolate or look at my phone in the dark.

Okay, so those last two are lies, but whatever.

I downloaded a white noise app on my phone. I have zero lights on and sometimes I throw back a melatonin.  Or four.

Last night I had everything in place and within a minute and a half of hunkering down my spouse is FLAT OUT ASLEEP.

Literally LESS THAN a minute forty five and he’s purring like a kitten.

This actually angered me so I did what any rational person would do.  I slammed my hand down on the bed, huffed a loud huff and said the words, “Are you serious right now?!?!  What the heck is your problem YOU LITTLE SHOW OFF!? You’re already asleep?!?”

He startled awake (like normal people do when they have been asleep for….oh, I don’t know….SEVENTY TWO HOURS) and said, “Well, I’m not now.”

So we had some sleep differences last night.  But, as I found out this morning, we actually had something in common, too.

We both had similar dreams.

Eh. Kinda.

Must have been those 3 mini Kit Kats Caroline shared with us at 8:55pm.

Here’s how our conversation went this morning:

Me:  I had a dream that we had to kill someone. 

Him: Nuh Uh!  Me too!  We were in England and bad guys were coming and the cops were there.  I had a gun.  I hid the gun on the other side of my leg so the cops wouldn’t find it. Then!  The bad guys come running to us and I stealthily stuck my gun out so nobody could see it and I SHOT THE DUDE RIGHT IN THE EYE SOCKET!!  And the cops let me go because even though guns are illegal in England they realized I was ACTUALLY and BASICALLY a superhero.  Soooooo…. 

Me: Oh.  Well that’s funny, Jack Reacher, because in MY dream you weren’t so good at getting rid of the bad guys.  This couple was pretending to be our friends.  We rented a beach house and took them on vacation with us. But really they were killers and wanted to, you know….get rid of us and take all my Target clothes.  DESPITE the fact that we just took them on vacation with us.  A beach house.  SHARING a beach house.  AT THE BEACH. Those ungrateful little turd nuggets.  We figure out they were going to kill us so we decided to beat them to the punch and knock them off first.  So!  You gave the guy poisonous Boom Chicka Pop popcorn, waited for him to pass out, then you rolled him over onto his belly and lightly hit him in the neck with a chicken tenderizer.  You basically gave him some melatonin and turned yourself into a masseuse for the rest of my dream.  Thankfully, we made it out alive, Mr. Superhero Chicken Tenderizer Man.