For the love of all that is holy and chocolatey. Can y’all knock it down a few rungs on the dorm room expectations!? I can’t even handle this.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I *do* know that I can just not look at the posts in that Facebook group that I have now removed myself from. But listen. I HAVE ACCIDENTALLY AND NAIIVELY ALREADY DONE THE LOOKING and now it is inside of my brain and wreaking havoc on my mind and heart.

I mean good Lord this bar is too high. This is like that Tooth Fairy mess that y’all started back in 2008. Where the game changed and we suddenly had to leave glittery notes from The Fairy written in calligraphy and a sprinkling of butterfly dander.

Or the time y’all decided we are now doing that GODFORSAKENELFONTHESHELF that dangles from zipline thread and has marshmallow “snowball fights” as the kids sleep. Remember that one time y’all had us leaving Hershey kisses by the toilet because Elmer the Elf came all the way from the North Pole just to POOP IN OUR BATHROOMS?!

Y’all got me for one season with that Elf Mess, but I for sure ain’t falling for that Dorm Mess. For one, a retro mini fridge with chrome handles and 31 cubic storage space is a bit more expensive than a new Elf on the Shelf skirt for Twinkles.

But really, even if we had as much money as Joe Millionaire, I still wouldn’t be racing to any finish line with The Perfect Pinterest Room at the end simply because I just can’t keep up with the rest of you people.

Maybe I don’t want to. But it doesn’t mean the pressure isn’t there because, like I said, I already looked at what the rest of y’all are doing. It’s in my brain now. The pressure won’t get out. Stop talking about the race. Quit telling me what the outcome should be after you’ve changed the rules again. Stop doing that to us.

The expectations are too much. It’s just too much.

Coordinate a color palette with a roommate (Wait. Sorry. We’re calling it “roomie” now) you’ve never seen in person.
Get a bed skirt even though your kid has never owned one in her life.
Find that oh-so-special desktop fan called a Woozee or Wowzee or some other W word.
FIND THAT MINIFRIDGE!
Get the best deal on the cupholder for the side of a lofted bed.
FAIRY LIGHTS

And now I’m supposed to figure out how to attach a tufted headboard between a twin XL bed and a concrete wall?!

Can we ease up on the pressure, please? Can we remember that this is the KID’S dorm room, first of all? Can we remember that this is not what college is about? A Perfectly Put Together Pinterest Room is not college. It’s just not. College is a rite of passage. A struuuugggglllle.

A STRUGGLE.

My plan is to be there for her in the struggle. Not stay up all night worrying how I’m going to decorate a room that’s almost 400 miles away. A room that I’ve only seen PDF drawings of. Drawings that are actually labeled “Room May Not Be Exact”. No. I’m not staying up all night worrying how it will all look in the end.

I’m actually awake because I’m old and my arms get tingly for some weird perimenopausal reason.

No, my goal isn’t a perfect room. My goal for her is to make friends. To try new things, but not try drugs. To do her best. To be a good friend. No, a great friend. My goal for her is to be amazing and courageous and eat fruit on the daily. No amount of fairy lights and pink neon will help her with that.

TONY AND I ALREADY HELPED HER WITH THAT.

We did it. We’re already AT the finish line. We’ve jumped over that bar.

It’s just that our finish line and high bar look nothing like a Pinterest Board that some over-achieving Susie homemaker has created.

And it’s exactly the line we want to run across. It’s just the bar we want to hop over. And that’s okay.

I’ve got so much more to say on this (are you surprised?), but I have to go write a few Open When letters to mail off for Allison. If you don’t know what those are. It’s A Thing now. So yes, I guess y’all did get me a little bit.

But only a little.