I’m sure men have these troubles, too. But you know? I’m not really sure so since I’m a girl I’m going to talk about women.

Let’s get right to the point. How are we supposed to do all of this and get it right every time? Especially when society and social media keep moving the goalposts. That’s what I’d like to know.

I mean, how can we be smart, but not too smart? A woman can be an astrophysicist (I spelled that all on my own by the way. *bonus points for the smart-ish girl!), but if the new dude next to her has a brand new top of the line telescope? He’s smarter.

Oh. How about we cook fresh meals every night, but also keep the kitchen clean. Yes. Let’s do that. You never know when a random person is going to pop over to inspect it all.

How can we make money, but not too much money? We don’t want that under qualified guy next to us to feel inadequate now do we? Oh but we need to make enough so that it’s worthwhile…you know…us being away from the kids and all. Why did we have kids anyway if we’re just going to work because we love our job? Don’t we also love our kids? We should probably pick one or the other, huh?

Be outspoken! No wait. Don’t say what you think because people will get offended. But also say what you think.

Hey! How about you be a woman with a career, climbing that corporate ladder and all. But listen. You need to be there when your kids get off the school bus. Those kids need you, but also work needs you. How about you figure out how to split yourself in half and be both? How about that?

And listen, your belly is beautiful when you’re pregnant, but you need to flatten it out again once you’re done growing that human being. What a masterpiece you made. But there better be no flabby belly for you! You need to look flawless in that swimsuit at the pool parties this summer. You can bounce back in two and a half months right?

You know what else you should do when you’re a woman? You should absolutely grow old gracefully. But hey. Don’t have wrinkles while you’re doing it. That’s not allowed. We want to see you growing old happily, but also perfectly.

You know what else? You should have a beautiful face and hair and body. Be pretty all the time, even while you’re doing the silliest of errands like picking up 112 rolls of toilet paper at Costco. But wait. Don’t put on too much make up. And don’t have hair extensions either. Also, don’t wear Spanx. That’s false advertisement. No seriously. Be beautiful all the time.

Isn’t this all so dumb? SO. DUMB. I’m tired of society telling me what’s to be expected of me. I’m done with “oh you should be this and look like that while you do it”. And all these stupid societal expectations are especially tricky when you are raising girls. But here are the expectations we put on our kids: be nice, be honest, work hard, speak up for yourself. We’re teaching them to ignore the noise. It sure is hard to do that some days though. Thankfully I am married to a man who continuously reinforces that women can do and be anything they want and look anyway they want while doing it.

Oh wow. I could go on and on about this, but actually I’ve got to brush my hair and take the dogs out….